My divorce is the best gift I can give to my marriage.

Or, why a failed marriage has prepared me for remarriage.

I know. It sounds a little crazy and yet it is true.

About a month ago, Travis and I started marriage prep. Because our wedding is on the other side of Michigan, the majority of our prep will be virtual classes along with some in-person meetings with our priest, Fr Jake.

I am thinking and praying more about what it means to be married, to be in a committed partnership with someone until I die, to form a family with someone. A commitment like this is a deep inner expansion - expanding me to be more selfless, loving, and attentive. I have longed for this chapter to open up before me.

There were many times over the years that I truly wondered if I would meet a man to share my life and heart with. Just look through all the notebooks I kept to capture what online dating in your late-thirties is like. Honestly, someone pay me money to write that book because it would be a doozy. ;-)

The woman I am today (and keep growing into) has been formed through the crucible of the one thing I never imagined could happen in my life - divorce. It is hard to describe the loneliness, heartbreak, and trauma that follows a loss like divorce.

Since then, I have connected with many, many women across the country - over Instagram messages, emails, phone calls, and sometimes in person coffee dates. I have dear IRL friends and online friends who are currently navigating divorce or have gone through the experience. It was such an unexpected gift to be able to show up and sit with other women who are walking a similar path as I have.

2018 Patty

The one comfort I had was knowing the loving support of family and friends, while also knowing my God suffered with me. I was never once alone even at my lowest. Jesus came and swept me up into his arms, like a mother hen gathering her beloved baby chicks under her wings. I truly do not know how people navigate hard things in life without faith/God/a higher power.

When I first began to publicly write and speak about my divorce almost ten years ago, one the first things I would say was how my divorce was the greatest act transformation that God brought about in my life. As time passes and I look backwards, I see how true it is. Jesus used it to bring about a work in me that changed me in more ways that realize.

It was a journey that I never wanted even when I made the choice to leave. And yet, it brought more healing, self knowledge, and deep soul work than I could have imagined.

I expanded into a whole new version of myself, even though my Patty self remained. A sacred, yet painful expanding.

I had to grow up and take responsibility for myself in ways I never imagined. Talk about stretchy.

I thank God for my divorce now. From the depths of my soul. Thank you, Jesus for all that I learned through that suffering. I would never wish it away for an instant.

I am the Patty I am today because of my failed marriage. I don’t wish it away because I have learned so much as a result of those years.

Bless that sweet, naive 26 year old Patty.

Maid of Honor reporting for my sister’s 2013 wedding

She had a longing ache to be loved by man, foolishly thinking a husband would solve a lack of self love and affirmation. She was emotionally immature (sometimes manipulative) and blessedly insecure. She had not done her own inner work, didn’t know about her lost little girl, and was the loveliest codependent you ever did meet.

I love that version of me and have a lot of compassion on her. She was doing the best she could with what she had.

The greatest gift I can give to my future husband and the family we are forming is the experience of my failed marriage - and all that I have learned as a result of this part of my story.

I am more free and ready to be married. Will I be far from perfect? You bet your britches. 100%.

I will make plenty of mistakes being married to Travis and that is to be expected. The wisdom of this previous chapter I think will bless and strengthen our roots in marriage, along with God’s supernatural grace to help both us reflect Jesus more to the other.

One of my favorite modern faith-based writers is Shauna Niequist.

In her book, Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way, she says:

When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate.

And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow.

That has been a spiritual wisdom nugget that I hold close in my heart.

Maybe it can be something you hold close for when the chapters of life are sweet, bitter, and everything in between.

There will be many things I bring to marriage with Travis and I think one of the greatest hidden blessings will be my failed first marriage.

Celebrating and growing with you,

Patty