Beyond the Swipe: Wisdom and Wit I have Learned the Hard Way
AKA lessons for my future daughter/s
I had planned to write more about Lent and words of Jesus that are making my insides all squirmy right now, but after the warm response to my post last week, I decided to follow up with some thoughts about what nine years dating, being single, and using online dating apps has taught me - which is a crap ton.
I will be the first to tell you I have learned a lot through my many dating mistakes - the ways I have given off anxious energy, the poor decisions I have made with men, and sadly, sometimes the ways I have allowed myself to be treated by men, simply because I wanted to be loved or chosen.
Here me out.
This is NOT a “Here’s 10 precise steps to find your person post” or “Learn from me and you too can find your hottie!” First of all, I am not an expert. The only thing I have some insight into is my own experience, and sometimes I’m not even great at that.
I have single girlfriends (IRL and online) with whom I have talked a lot about these things…oh and I can’t forget my “green friends on Instagram” where I have shared the ins and outs on lots of dates over the years. As my wedding draws closer, I wanted to way to capture/remember/look back at the journey I have been on while giggling remembering some of these wild and crazy experiences.
How can we forget “Scary Steve” who drank too much on a first date (four beers is always too much) and I left him abruptly because I no longer felt safe spending time with him?
Or “Firefighter Paul” who said unkind/slightly problematic things about Muslim people while we chomped on cinnamon rolls?
One of the most bizarre ones was “Naked Ned from Tinder” who kept finding me and thought he could tantalize me with a semi-nude picture of him on top of his WHITE van, all while cleverly covering up his man parts.
“Amish Farmer Thomas” was a fun one. If you are 50, please don’t lie and say you’re 46. Not cool, bruh. Also, please trim your long beard.
“$60 Fish Darren” who on our first date told me to order the most expensive thing on the menu. I did. Turns out $60 fish is delicious.
How can we forget “Pilot Ben” who I kept getting distracted by his very sweaty upper lip during dinner?
So with a bit of sass and wit, here is some of what I have gleaned:
Trust that gut. She will keep you safe.
Your gut is wise, smart, and you can always trust it. If something goes off inside you, making you wonder: Am I safe? Do I not feel comfortable with this person? I don’t want him/her walking me back to my car in a dimly lit parking lot. He feels too aggressive as we kiss and something feels off.
Get the Hell out of Dodge. STAT!!!
Listen to your inner knowing. Pay attention to how your body feels in the moment. Don’t downplay or minimize because your body is trying to help you understand something.
You never owe anyone you’re on a date with anything, no matter how much he/she paid for dinner.
Be Approachable.
Ladies, stop wearing your damn earbuds out and about. It says, "I am in my own world. Don’t bother me.” No one will want to approach you.
Look up and around. Show your beautiful, bright smile. Practice holding a man’s gaze out in the wild - that’s a fun one.
Be confident, be you, and please be approachable.
Don’t say you want a relationship then do jack squat.
I am sorry if this sounds harsh and it needs to be said. If you are single and want a relationship, you have to do something with it. I know dating apps are awful and yes it can feel harder as you age. Whether you are on apps or not, take responsibility and do something.
Learn the art of doing things solo.
I have learned to do many things solo and in many ways, have grown to love it. I have taken myself to nice dinners and sat at the table with a good book. I have went to shows, classes, live events. I have frequented the bar counter and chatted with some fascinating folks over the years.
Please don’t let being a party of 1 stop you from having new experiences. Can it feel weird or even uncomfortable sometimes? You bet.
But it is not worth missing out on new experiences and moments just because you’re not sharing it with a significant other.
Swipe, then go live your fabulous life.
I treated dating like a job, which for me I found helpful. I was on 4-5 dating apps at a time (Match, Hinge, Bumble, Facebook Dating, and yes the dreaded Catholic Match). Don’t judge me but I went on some amazing Tinder dates that were not booty calls.
I set a timer for 90 minutes a day. I’d use the time to swipe (mostly left) and respond back to men. When the timer went off, I was down for the day. Then I went back to living my life.
Swipe and then go live your life.
Remember how you deserve to be treated
I don’t why but why do we as women sometimes allow ourselves to not be treated the ways we deserve? This goes beyond dating, but this was a lesson I continually had to learn the hard way.
As I look back, I can see I hurt myself and didn’t honor myself, by the ways I let men treat me.
Sex does not equal love.
That is all I am going to say about that.
You don’t owe him or her anything.
Just because someone is taking you on a date or paying for you to eat the $60 fish, you don’t owe them a damn thing. Nothing is worth your physical safety, peace, and wellbeing.
When he dropped me off at my apartment and thought it was okay to grab my breast while kissing me goodnight? NOPE. Not at all cool. I don’t owe you or anyone else anything.
Try ALL the new experiences.
Some of the most fun, adventurous things I have experienced over the last decade were things I did out of my own curiosity.
Improv classes. Surfing and snorkeling in Hawaii. Travel. Tattoos. A pilgrimage to the Holy Land. Glass blowing classes.
(Puts pen cap back on and closes the notebook).
I have joked with Travis and said if we are blessed with a daughter, she will have lots to learn from her mama’s mistakes.
And yet, in spite of it all, I wouldn’t change anything because it all has led me to where I am today.
All of it has formed into the woman I am now…hopefully she is wiser and stronger and trusts God and herself more than she used to.
May your swipe rights be many and plentiful!
Patty
Definitely write the book 😆